The Little PhD Student Who Could

I hiked my first 14er last week. I’ve been wanting to hike one for some time now but, like most things, moving from desire to action took a while. With a little help from my friend who has hiked a couple of 14,000 foot peaks I was able to do it!

We started hiking while it was raining. I admit the idea of hiking for several hours in the rain did not appeal to me but there I was and if the rain had plans to stick around all day who was I to argue? I figured we’d just make the best of it. As it turned out, it only rained for a few minutes of our hike and then some sun and cloud cover made for the perfect hiking day.

The hike started out easy enough. The trail was on relatively level ground with a few ups and downs but nothing difficult. My friend Tambra and I hiked along and visited and periodically took in the beautiful scenery. Our teenaged companions trucked ahead of us and Ginger the Hiking Dog redoubled her steps by checking in on both groups.

Eventually the terrain started to change and the trail sloped upward rather dramatically. The slight elevation gain we had experienced earlier in the hike began turning into a much more strenuous incline. It was at this point that I broke off from my hiking companions and turned my thoughts inward. Something inside of me clicked. I began channeling my inner mountain goat.

Each step of the climb became more focused. Each resting spot more savored. I became very intentional that my rests allow for adequate re-vivification but not extend too long so that my motivation waned. With each step I became more focused and more inward. And with each step I got closer and closer to the most challenging part of the climb to the summit.

In order to reach the top of Mt. Bierstadt, the hiker must scale a boulder field for about a quarter of a mile. As I grew closer to the boulder field I realized how much the process of completing a PhD mirrored the experience of climbing the mountain. Perhaps it was the thin mountain air that lent itself to my slightly hokey analogy but hokey or not, the motivational effect was profound.

When I first began a doctoral program I was eager, optimistic and full of anticipation. I’d never completed a PhD before, obviously, and knew little of what to expect. I finished coursework with the relative ease I’d always experienced in school and had no idea of what was coming next. As I entered the second phase of the process, writing my dissertation proposal, I found myself much more isolated and the climb to the next step much more arduous. I remain in this step of the process. I find the isolation disconcerting at times and my periods of rest are far too long and disruptive. I know, as I push myself along this path, that the boulder field of my doctoral progress awaits me.

While hiking I began to visualize the ways in which the climb to the top of a 14,000 foot peak could help me finish my goal and graduate. Already through the level ground and about half-way up the middle climb, I saw the middle section of the hike as analogous with the middle section of my doctoral process. On the hike, I reached a patch of snow that marked the beginning of the boulder field. I stopped walking, took a rest, and celebrated both completing that section of the hike and my future successful defense of my dissertation proposal. The patch of snow represented that defense and I basked in the coolness while anticipating the grueling climb over huge boulders that awaited me.

When I felt ready, I stopped at the bottom of the boulder field and looked up. All I could see were the massive rocks in front of me. I couldn’t see the summit nor how far I had to climb to reach it. But, I knew the top…the end of the climb…awaited me. I climbed over a rock. I climbed over another rock. For the remainder of the hike I was no longer walking but literally clambering my way over obstacles until I finally reached the summit. In my visualization I saw the boulder field as the final leg of my dissertation process.

I reached the top of the summit and took in the beauty surrounding me. For as far as I could see there were mountain ranges, one after another growing dimmer in the distance. I understand why lyricists have written about the glory of God being evident from this view. And then, after taking in the splendor of being, literally, on top of the world, I envisioned my future graduation and final completion of my PhD.

I believe in the power of visualization as a motivator. That day on the mountain I knew I could finish what I started both in climbing a 14,000 foot peak and in completing my doctoral dissertation. When I started the hike I simply wanted to accomplish hiking to the top of a 14er but when I completed the hike I felt a renewed sense of my ability to do whatever I set my mind to! Thank you Mt. Bierstadt!

Status Update

Status has always been a big deal to my mother. I guess it must be a lifelong concern because even at 81 she is playing her status cards at every opportunity.

Last weekend the ‘Village’ had a style show. I didn’t plan to attend with my mom but she was looking forward to going. One of my favorite residents, Phil, laughingly told me he was going to attend, but he would be on the second story overlooking the atrium, prepared to spit or catcall, depending on what seemed most inappropriate. He also told the coordinator of the style show to have plenty of duct tape handy. I love Phil.

Anyway, my mom was prepared to attend the style show but at the last minute she was asked to be a model. The store sponsoring the show was Coldwater Creek and my mother was asked to model something from their ‘junior’ department. Okay, so I’ve been in a Coldwater Creek store before and I’m sure they have perfectly nice clothing but I always think I’m simply not old enough to wear those fashions. I’m having trouble envisioning a junior department. Regardless, my mom was asked to participate. Initially she declined the invitation because she can’t walk very well without support of her walker or something to stabilize her balance. She was told, however, that a suitable escort would be found so that she could leave her walker behind. In no time she was donning a pair of red Capri pants and strutting through the atrium with a handsome stud on her arm. She suddenly achieved celebrity status!

Someone from the ‘Village’ staff took photos of her and gave my mom copies. She showed the photos to pretty much everyone in the place. All were impressed. I think she was the only model who merited a hunky guy as an escort, which improved her position considerably.

In addition to being a fashion model, she has started volunteering in the marketing office at the ‘Village.’ She invited a friend to volunteer with her a few days ago but apparently found the other woman’s inability to follow directions frustrating and finally concluding that the other resident simply hadn’t ever worked a day in her life. The first time my mom volunteered she was given a free meal ticket. After working the second time she asked for her free meal ticket and was told that the marketing budget didn’t allow for a meal ticket every time she worked. She was miffed about that and said she didn’t plan to volunteer anymore.

Perhaps we need to review the meaning of the word volunteer. Regardless, I’m sure the status she gets from ‘working’ there will have her back in volunteer mode soon. Not without complaining and griping about the lack of compensation, I am sure, but she’ll be working nonetheless.

Being in a relationship also seems to enhance one’s status in her living environment. I thought a romance was in the works a couple of weeks ago. She seemed to have her sights set on a particular man. She found a way to sit by him, boss him around, receive gifts from him and in general make sure he knew all about her. I thought for sure love was in the air. I expected a visit from Captain Stubing and Julie at any moment. But, it seemed to have ended as quickly as it started. I asked about him the other day and her response was, “Oh, he gets on my nerves.” “Why,” I asked. “He slobbers when he talks,” came her impatient response.

Clearly a deal breaker….status or no status.

She's Having Trouble Getting Acquainted?

The adventure continues…

Things are actually going along much better than I thought they would! Mommie Dearest has now been officially in her apartment for two weeks and, all-in-all, I think it is going great! She, of course, has a different opinion.

She needs a couch so I took her shopping for one. That is a trick. She can’t remember one couch from the other in the time it takes to go from one side of the store to the other. I finally resorted to taking a photo of each couch and writing down the cost and dimensions. It could take months for her to make a decision. In the meantime, without a couch it just doesn't feel like home to her.

There have been a couple of ‘down’ days. One when she forgot to take her medication. Her doctor didn’t seem to think it should affect her but I’m not sure he is right. That will require observation. Another day she was just tired and weepy. She said she didn’t understand why she had two husbands and neither of them stayed alive long enough to take care of her in her old age. I didn’t have the heart to tell her she probably sucked the life right out of them! When her second husband died I told her she could not torture any more men. Lately I’ve been thinking one more could be sacrificed. But, she seems to think all of the men where she is living are too old. My attempts at matchmaking have largely fallen flat. It helps the matchmaking process if those being matched are able to remember one another from one meeting to the next.

Several times she has told me she is having trouble getting acquainted with people. Evidence points to the contrary. When she lived in Michigan she had three friends. She and her three friends forgot they weren’t in junior high, apparently, and would go to the dining room, commandeer ‘their’ table and intimidate others from trying to befriend them or sit with them. They sat at the ‘cool table,’ I guess. Anyway, now that she lives in Colorado she can’t seem to find a ‘cool table’ over which to reign. Recently she has taken to sitting with a group of men who welcome her company and say it is much more fun when she sits with them. Perhaps she can do some of her own matchmaking! Regardless, she tells me…

...she is having trouble getting acquainted.

A few days ago, while having lunch with Mommie Dearest, a woman named Marge told me that my mother seems to be doing great, participating in lots of things and meeting lots of people. This was all happening while my mother was having another conversation with a different woman about how her children had taken her car away and she couldn’t drive anymore and discussing and with yet another woman her hairstyle and the possibility of my mother adopting a similar style. Regardless, she tells me…

…she is having trouble getting acquainted.

Yesterday my siblings and I got an email from Mommie Dearest saying that she was doing volunteer work with the marketing rep at ‘The Village’ stuffing envelopes and affixing address labels in exchange for meal tickets. Today she will be having lunch with prospective residents and telling them all about her experience with moving into Cherry Creek Retirement Village. I’m sure she’ll tell them…

…she is having trouble getting acquainted.

Savoring Summer

June 1 has come and gone. Thus marks the beginning of summer.

I am aware that the ‘official’ start to summer won’t happen for 20 more days but for me summer is now fully up and running. It happens to be my favorite season.

Its favorite status might be a throwback to the years when I was home schooling my children and summer marked a carefree time when the only requirements for the day were getting up in the morning and playing late into the night.

But being my favorite season could go all the way back to my childhood. I loved summer because it meant no school. Even in college, although I worked in the summer, there was a definite marking of time when school was out and summer was in.

Regardless, summer, as with every season, is nature's way of reminding us that time marches on.

In my early adult years I relocated from Michigan to Southern California and that was the first time I noticed that seasonal changes held within them significant reminders to stop and savor life. I was young and not as apt to reflect on how quickly time slips by but the lack of significant difference between an LA summer and an LA winter bothered me. It was then that I realized that the change of seasons is a regular reminder that time never stops. We grow older. Life changes and we can never slow it down. Without intentionally regarding each day as special, one melds right into the other and years pass before we even realize it.

In the years when my children were little the passage of time seemed at warp speed. Granted, the seasons changed; their birthdays and special accomplishments marked the years. I observed them with care but with so much happening there was little time to fully reflect on how fast it was all passing. At least summer afforded us a bit more down time to just relax and enjoy one another.

Throughout the years when I was working I rarely got to fully enjoy the seemingly purposeless days of summer. One season blended into the next without much fanfare.
Last summer I quit my job in early July. I vowed to fully embrace and savor each summer day. But, by the time my siblings and I had cleaned out my mom’s house and I had rested up from too many months of being overwhelmed…summer was coming to a close and I hadn’t embraced or savored.

And here I am again…another summer has arrived and another vow has been made! Maybe this year it is different. Maybe all this recent reflection on aging and the constant reminders of how brief life truly is will actually cause me to pause and savor this most favorite season.

I still have the daily routines to follow and a dissertation to write. But, it is all about to change. I can feel it. Just three short years from now my last baby will be finished with high school. By that time both my boys will have left home for good. The time for me to stop and savor these moments is now. I’ll never get these moments again.

So in honor of June 1, 2010…a day I’ll never live again…I planted sage in my herb garden and put of pot of basil and a tomato plant on my deck to be lovingly tended each day. By having to water and care for these plants I hope I’m reminded to slow down and lovingly tend to the people in my life as well.

Robert Frost said it best: “There’s absolutely no reason for being rushed along with the rush. Everybody should be free to go very slow.”

PollyAnna Was Right!

She’s here now.

The move to Colorado actually went much better than I anticipated. We got my mom packed without incident. And she was calm through the whole flight from Michigan to Colorado. She stayed at our house for a few days and yesterday she moved into the guest apartment at her new retirement village.

So far so good.

Aside from obsessing about not having a wristwatch she seems pretty happy. Apparently we packed all of her watches and she can’t seem to function without knowing what time it is. Her things will arrive in a few days and once I get her permanent apartment unpacked she’ll be able to monitor the time. Of course she will then find something else to obsess about but at least she’ll know what time it is!

I’ve been with her at ‘the village’ every day this week and I find it to be a delightful experience! I’ve had a few elderly men and hit on me. Of course they say something like “You sure are pretty,” and then a few minutes later tell me they suffer from macular degeneration but hey, a compliment is a compliment!

Perhaps the most wonderful part of this experience for me is seeing first-hand the power of attitude. Much like my experience in observing older people at the recreation center, I find that the spirit of the people my mom lives around contagiously positive!

When I walk through the doors of the building I can feel the positive energy that permeates the environment. Most of the residents use a walker. Some have portable oxygen tanks. I’m fairly certain several can’t see or hear very well. But I see smiles everywhere! Literally everywhere. I have yet to speak to a resident that isn’t positive, joyful and playful. It is truly amazing. I would have thought that being elderly and compromised would foster negativity but in this place that just simply isn’t the case!

Every day I speak with Ray. He sits at the front door like a sentry; walker at the ready. It doesn’t matter what time I arrive, I can always count on Ray to be sitting by the front door to greet me. I’ve fallen madly in love with Joe who has such a happy countenance I can’t help but feel joyful in his presence. When Joe moved to ‘the Village’ he was, literally, dying of a broken heart. His wife’s death plunged him into a deep and deadly depression. His desperate family moved him to this retirement community where he now thrives and absolutely beams as he wanders the halls.

One after another I encounter joyful senior citizens…people whose lives have been reduced to 600 square foot apartments, multiple medications and implements to aid their mobility…people whose days are fewer and fewer.

But they smile.

And they laugh.

As I observe this happy community I see something else happening. Something truly remarkable. I see this attitude rubbing off on my mother! My mother who was raised by prickly parents of her own. My mother whose guilt overwhelmed her when my father took his own life. My mother who later married a man who projected a nice outer image but spoke evil, angry words over her on a daily basis. My mother who has always thought her worth came from the beauty and outward appearance she now believes has faded.

In just a few short days, my mother is starting to respond to the positive energy of her surroundings.

The change isn’t huge. Yet. One would have to know my mother to even notice that it is happening. But I believe in the long run I will see changes in my mother I never thought were possible. And all because of the positive energy and attitude that is heaped on her every day.

And it has me thinking about the importance of heaping positive energy onto every person I see every day.

The residents my mother resides with could easily be mean and negative. But, in spite of their age and disabilities they choose joy. They chose to be thankful for every day they are given. It is easy to choose to be negative. It is much more courageous to choose to be positive.

I want to follow the examples of Ray and Joe and all the others I’ve been blessed to encounter in the past few days.

I choose joy.

Really....I'm Fine!

In the words of R.E.M, it’s the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine). At least it is about to become the end of the world as I know it. And I do feel fine. In two days I’ll board an airplane bound for Michigan. Time to make Mommie Dearest’s move to Colorado a reality.

I am thankful that I’ve had the past month to prepare for this life change. A lot of friends have come forward to offer their support, love and helpful advice. Many have moved elderly family members near them already and have supplied words of wisdom for me as I embark on this adventure. Their input has been invaluable. Several people have suggested books that have helped them deal with challenging people. I’ve devoured the pages and found much to learn from them. Many have spoken truthful words into my life by saying that regardless of my mother’s needs, I must complete my dissertation. Those words have been infused into my spirit and I know without a doubt that I’ll finish my dissertation and earn my PhD.

I think I’m ready. Or, at least as ready as I’ll ever be!

Part of my plan is to spend a few nights at my mom’s new apartment with her as she acclimates. And another part of my plan is to attend some activities with her to help her feel comfortable in her new surroundings and as she makes friends. I figure a little bingo and walker line dancing will be good for me. I may have to borrow a walker though. Given my dancing skills…that really seems only appropriate!

My sister and I discussed some of these strategies on the phone the other day and we chuckled at our memories of childhood moves. We moved frequently and for little reason. My father wasn’t in the military. Nor was upward mobility really part of the program. My parents typically got a whim to move and, wham…it was time to move. I don’t recall ever being asked how I felt about it. I don’t recall anyone taking the time to help me acclimate. We just packed up, moved, unpacked and were expected to resume life without skipping a beat. Any suffering was done in silence. We didn’t want to get on my mother’s nerves!

As we talked about the difference in how we perceived moving when we were young with how I plan to deal with my mother it occurred to me that to treat her the way I remember being treated would be unfair. Unfair to her, certainly. She is elderly and needs help and compassion. But it would be unfair to me as well. The years I have lived away from my family have allowed me to know myself and know my true nature. And while it would be ridiculous to say that I’m not, at times, selfish or mean spirited, by and large I try to live my life in a way that cares for and honors both myself and others. I’m far from perfect at it but I know that serving my mother in this way will help hone my skills. It will be a tricky balancing act to keep her manipulation at bay while lovingly attending to her needs. It will take nerves of steel to guard against her ability to control almost any situation by creating chaos and confusion. It will take tremendous resolve to not let her critical spirit hurt or annoy me. I won’t always do it right. Not even close.

But, I’m entering into a phase of life I feel I’ve been called into. This is something I’m being asked to do and I believe I have a responsibility to both her and to myself to do it with grace. I won’t know what that looks like until I’m in the midst of it. And I may not always recognize my mistakes until long after the fact. I am most thankful, though, that I won’t be doing it alone. My husband and children seem ready to take this on with me. My friends have offered to step in and walk this path with me. And really…how difficult can dealing with one little old lady be?

I guess I’m about to find out…..

Oxygen and Pepsi...for the Good Life!

We are now at T-minus three weeks until I fly to Michigan and return with my mom to help her establish a new life in Colorado. I know it is going to be challenging for her, physically and emotionally. And I know I’m in for a lot of anger, tears and unkindness. I don’t relish that part. But I am hopeful that I can give her the space she needs to talk about her feelings and I hope I can help guide her to a place of forgiveness. I hope she will eventually understand that the things my brother, sister and I have done in the past year have been out of love and concern for her. And I am working on strategies to diffuse her vitriolic outbursts with kindness and humor. The other day Steve said he thought if anyone could give my mom the room she needs to feel what she feels it would be me. I truly hope he is right.

In the meantime, I seem to be surrounded by older people. Maybe I always have been and I just didn’t notice until I realized that much more of my life is going to be lived in the presence of older adults. Regardless, I am paying closer attention and recognizing the value of a life well lived as I see it played out in those around me.

The decision to move my mother to Colorado prompted an evaluation of my day-to-day life and the need for a more routinized approach to getting exercise. Otherwise known as stress management! I joined our local rec center and have been working out several times a week. Because I choose to work out in the late morning, I’ve noticed that the majority of people working out with me are older. Much older. Downright elderly.

And delightful.

While I’m swimming laps there is a water aerobics class taking place in the same pool. I see sagging skin and grey heads bobbing in the water. I see the group of mostly women and realize that I’m on my way to exactly the place they are. I seek out the faces that seem most joyful and focus on how I want that to be me! Sometimes when I’m running on the track I pass a man who is walking the same track…with a cane. I silently cheer him on each time I pass.

But my absolute favorite workout contemporary was the man I saw today. As I ran the track there was a man who looked to be in his mid-80s, toting his portable oxygen machine. He was on a weight machine and drinking a Pepsi and deeply engrossed in a conversation via his Bluetooth headset! He made me smile inside and out!

I have no idea what circumstances caused him to have to use oxygen. And I’m pretty sure Pepsi isn’t the recommended beverage for workout rehydration and I wonder about his ability to focus on good form while chatting on his headset. But he was there! And he was doing something! And, clearly he was enjoying himself!

So…as I prepare for my big life change and that of my mother’s, I am blessed by my daily encounters with joyful older people doing what they can to restore or maintain their health. I can’t predict what the future will look like once my mom is here but I do know that there is no coincidence in my daily encounters and the reminders that old age needn’t look like sadness and anger. Maybe I can bring something of this mindset to my mom. I don’t know. I know I’ll try. But regardless, these older adults are showing me a face of aging that makes me look forward to my future years. They provide me with a role model and something to which I can strive.

Who knows…maybe what I see in them can somehow translate to my mom. Never give up hope....