PollyAnna Was Right!

She’s here now.

The move to Colorado actually went much better than I anticipated. We got my mom packed without incident. And she was calm through the whole flight from Michigan to Colorado. She stayed at our house for a few days and yesterday she moved into the guest apartment at her new retirement village.

So far so good.

Aside from obsessing about not having a wristwatch she seems pretty happy. Apparently we packed all of her watches and she can’t seem to function without knowing what time it is. Her things will arrive in a few days and once I get her permanent apartment unpacked she’ll be able to monitor the time. Of course she will then find something else to obsess about but at least she’ll know what time it is!

I’ve been with her at ‘the village’ every day this week and I find it to be a delightful experience! I’ve had a few elderly men and hit on me. Of course they say something like “You sure are pretty,” and then a few minutes later tell me they suffer from macular degeneration but hey, a compliment is a compliment!

Perhaps the most wonderful part of this experience for me is seeing first-hand the power of attitude. Much like my experience in observing older people at the recreation center, I find that the spirit of the people my mom lives around contagiously positive!

When I walk through the doors of the building I can feel the positive energy that permeates the environment. Most of the residents use a walker. Some have portable oxygen tanks. I’m fairly certain several can’t see or hear very well. But I see smiles everywhere! Literally everywhere. I have yet to speak to a resident that isn’t positive, joyful and playful. It is truly amazing. I would have thought that being elderly and compromised would foster negativity but in this place that just simply isn’t the case!

Every day I speak with Ray. He sits at the front door like a sentry; walker at the ready. It doesn’t matter what time I arrive, I can always count on Ray to be sitting by the front door to greet me. I’ve fallen madly in love with Joe who has such a happy countenance I can’t help but feel joyful in his presence. When Joe moved to ‘the Village’ he was, literally, dying of a broken heart. His wife’s death plunged him into a deep and deadly depression. His desperate family moved him to this retirement community where he now thrives and absolutely beams as he wanders the halls.

One after another I encounter joyful senior citizens…people whose lives have been reduced to 600 square foot apartments, multiple medications and implements to aid their mobility…people whose days are fewer and fewer.

But they smile.

And they laugh.

As I observe this happy community I see something else happening. Something truly remarkable. I see this attitude rubbing off on my mother! My mother who was raised by prickly parents of her own. My mother whose guilt overwhelmed her when my father took his own life. My mother who later married a man who projected a nice outer image but spoke evil, angry words over her on a daily basis. My mother who has always thought her worth came from the beauty and outward appearance she now believes has faded.

In just a few short days, my mother is starting to respond to the positive energy of her surroundings.

The change isn’t huge. Yet. One would have to know my mother to even notice that it is happening. But I believe in the long run I will see changes in my mother I never thought were possible. And all because of the positive energy and attitude that is heaped on her every day.

And it has me thinking about the importance of heaping positive energy onto every person I see every day.

The residents my mother resides with could easily be mean and negative. But, in spite of their age and disabilities they choose joy. They chose to be thankful for every day they are given. It is easy to choose to be negative. It is much more courageous to choose to be positive.

I want to follow the examples of Ray and Joe and all the others I’ve been blessed to encounter in the past few days.

I choose joy.

Really....I'm Fine!

In the words of R.E.M, it’s the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine). At least it is about to become the end of the world as I know it. And I do feel fine. In two days I’ll board an airplane bound for Michigan. Time to make Mommie Dearest’s move to Colorado a reality.

I am thankful that I’ve had the past month to prepare for this life change. A lot of friends have come forward to offer their support, love and helpful advice. Many have moved elderly family members near them already and have supplied words of wisdom for me as I embark on this adventure. Their input has been invaluable. Several people have suggested books that have helped them deal with challenging people. I’ve devoured the pages and found much to learn from them. Many have spoken truthful words into my life by saying that regardless of my mother’s needs, I must complete my dissertation. Those words have been infused into my spirit and I know without a doubt that I’ll finish my dissertation and earn my PhD.

I think I’m ready. Or, at least as ready as I’ll ever be!

Part of my plan is to spend a few nights at my mom’s new apartment with her as she acclimates. And another part of my plan is to attend some activities with her to help her feel comfortable in her new surroundings and as she makes friends. I figure a little bingo and walker line dancing will be good for me. I may have to borrow a walker though. Given my dancing skills…that really seems only appropriate!

My sister and I discussed some of these strategies on the phone the other day and we chuckled at our memories of childhood moves. We moved frequently and for little reason. My father wasn’t in the military. Nor was upward mobility really part of the program. My parents typically got a whim to move and, wham…it was time to move. I don’t recall ever being asked how I felt about it. I don’t recall anyone taking the time to help me acclimate. We just packed up, moved, unpacked and were expected to resume life without skipping a beat. Any suffering was done in silence. We didn’t want to get on my mother’s nerves!

As we talked about the difference in how we perceived moving when we were young with how I plan to deal with my mother it occurred to me that to treat her the way I remember being treated would be unfair. Unfair to her, certainly. She is elderly and needs help and compassion. But it would be unfair to me as well. The years I have lived away from my family have allowed me to know myself and know my true nature. And while it would be ridiculous to say that I’m not, at times, selfish or mean spirited, by and large I try to live my life in a way that cares for and honors both myself and others. I’m far from perfect at it but I know that serving my mother in this way will help hone my skills. It will be a tricky balancing act to keep her manipulation at bay while lovingly attending to her needs. It will take nerves of steel to guard against her ability to control almost any situation by creating chaos and confusion. It will take tremendous resolve to not let her critical spirit hurt or annoy me. I won’t always do it right. Not even close.

But, I’m entering into a phase of life I feel I’ve been called into. This is something I’m being asked to do and I believe I have a responsibility to both her and to myself to do it with grace. I won’t know what that looks like until I’m in the midst of it. And I may not always recognize my mistakes until long after the fact. I am most thankful, though, that I won’t be doing it alone. My husband and children seem ready to take this on with me. My friends have offered to step in and walk this path with me. And really…how difficult can dealing with one little old lady be?

I guess I’m about to find out…..