F. Scott Fitzgerald is credited with saying, "The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function." Presumably he said this during a bout of sobriety, but it is a powerful and meaningful quote regardless of his state of mind when he wrote it.
I'm not entirely sure it is a test of first-rate intelligence. Maybe it is just a test of being human. Regardless, I've been holding two very opposed ideas in my mind a lot lately. Each with a great deal of intensity. We will be leaving Anna at college for the first time tomorrow. This makes me feel both happy and sad.
On the one hand, I've looked forward to this day for years. She's always been highly motivated and smart and talented. I knew one day she'd leave for college because it was the only natural outcome of who she has been up until now. She has worked hard for this opportunity and I'm immensely proud of her.
On the other hand, I've dreaded this day for years. She's my baby girl and we've had an unusually close relationship throughout her whole life. I can't imagine what life will be like not seeing and hugging her everyday. It leaves me feeling a little desperate.
Part of me is so excited for what she will learn and experience, the way she will grow, and the opportunities in front of her, that I can hardly contain myself. The other part wants to curl into a fetal position and cry for knowing I'll miss her company so much it will hurt. At least she could have chosen a college in the same state.
I've been Googling strategies for containing tears so I'm not that mother while we are moving her in to her residence hall and saying goodbye. One suggestion was to pinch the skin between my thumb and forefinger hard to keep myself from crying. The assumption being that physical pain will be a distraction from emotional pain. I might try it. I also might leave with a bruised hand and still have a tear streaked face. Something tells me I'm not going to be the be the only mother who cries anyway. I'll try to be strong. I'll do my best not to grab her by the ankles and sob. I make no guarantees though.
I remind myself, daily, that we will really only be a phone call away. I've marked the calendar with her breaks and scheduled trips home. I also remind myself that I've known this day was coming since the moment she was born. In fact I've worked with her and for her so this day could come.
Nevertheless, it would have been nice if someone would have mentioned how this would feel before I started having babies. That full disclosure thing seems to be missing from the parenting contract. In a lot of ways.
Anyway, it is here now. The day my baby girl starts learning to live her life apart from me. She's ready. Even if I'm not sure I am.
Part of me is so excited for what she will learn and experience, the way she will grow, and the opportunities in front of her, that I can hardly contain myself. The other part wants to curl into a fetal position and cry for knowing I'll miss her company so much it will hurt. At least she could have chosen a college in the same state.
I've been Googling strategies for containing tears so I'm not that mother while we are moving her in to her residence hall and saying goodbye. One suggestion was to pinch the skin between my thumb and forefinger hard to keep myself from crying. The assumption being that physical pain will be a distraction from emotional pain. I might try it. I also might leave with a bruised hand and still have a tear streaked face. Something tells me I'm not going to be the be the only mother who cries anyway. I'll try to be strong. I'll do my best not to grab her by the ankles and sob. I make no guarantees though.
I remind myself, daily, that we will really only be a phone call away. I've marked the calendar with her breaks and scheduled trips home. I also remind myself that I've known this day was coming since the moment she was born. In fact I've worked with her and for her so this day could come.
Nevertheless, it would have been nice if someone would have mentioned how this would feel before I started having babies. That full disclosure thing seems to be missing from the parenting contract. In a lot of ways.
Anyway, it is here now. The day my baby girl starts learning to live her life apart from me. She's ready. Even if I'm not sure I am.
Tomorrow I'll have moments when I'll feel I couldn't be happier.
And moments when I'll feel I couldn't be sadder.
But through it all I will still retain my ability to function.
I think.
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