There. I said it.
I recognize, according to our culture, I'm not supposed to. But I do. I like the person I've become.
It's not that I spend a huge amount of time thinking about how much I like myself. I'm not that narcissistic. I have come to realize, however, that I like who I am. Which is not, I venture to guess, playing by the rules. There's no denying how deeply ingrained self-loathing is in American culture. Especially for a woman over 50. I'm supposed to dislike my wrinkles, abhor my body, despise my hair, and fear the aging process. Not to mention that I shouldn't like my personality quirks.
I'd be lying if I said I've always been okay with who I am. I haven't. But the older I get, the gentler I'm becoming with my eccentric, wrinkly, saggy, greying self. Okay, that's not true. I still don't like my greying hair. It's not that I hate it, necessarily. I just hide it behind the magic of chemicals. Perhaps I haven't fully arrived. Nevertheless, I like most of the person I've become.
This focus on self-loathing came to my attention last week as I was testing out a hiring program at work. The premise of the program is that the applicant reads a word which pops up on a computer screen and then determines if the word is descriptive of them or not. I completed the assessment putting words like "quiet," "defensive," and "difficult," in the 'not me' category and words like, "cheerful," "optimistic," and "witty" in the 'me' category. It all seemed harmless enough. I was truthful in my responses and I liked the words that described me.
The next step of the process is where I had trouble. Following the sorting exercise, I was given a list of the very same words. Next to the 'me' words were check marks. The instructions were to put additional check marks by the words that described what I want to be. Presumably I was to un-check the ones that described what I didn't want to be.
I was perplexed. The assumption seemed to be that I wouldn't like some of the words that described me. Except that wasn't true. I liked the words that described me. Because I like me. Sure I want to continue growing into a better me. But I don't dislike the me that I am (grey hair excepted). The program assumed I'd dislike some of the words that described me and desire some of the words that didn't. I wasn't supposed to be happy with who I am.
In the midst of angst over that whole message, I got a call from a cosmetics representative about one of those weird home parties that I had agreed to attend. I said I'd go because I wanted to see my friends. But the representative was doing her job trying to build a clientele. She asked a series of questions, the final one being, "What is the one thing you dislike most about your skin?" Again, the assumption was that, of course I'm dissatisfied with something. Only I'm not. Yes, I have at times been dissatisfied. And my mother is quite dissatisfied with my wrinkles. Yet these days I sort of like my wrinkles. I've earned them and I don't have any desire to look like a creepy wax figure of myself.
Here's the thing. Being older isn't bad. And being quirky is just who I am. Some people are fat. Some are tall. Some are fat and tall. Some are Asian. Some are witty. Some are dull. The list goes on and on. Is it really necessary to assume we all dislike something about ourselves?
Obsessing over things we don't like takes a lot of time. Time that could be spent caring for someone else. Or complimenting them. Or doing something kind.
We live in a culture of self-loathing. But we don't have to conform to what culture says...because it is a lie. We can look in the mirror and like what we see. We can laugh too loudly and then laugh some more. We can say off-the-wall things that make people wonder if we have Turrets, and chuckle to ourselves at their response. Not that I have experience with any of those things, of course.
The truth is, we aren't required to tell ourselves we're fat, or ugly, or socially awkward. We can tell ourselves we're wonderful just the way we are. We can be kind to ourselves and love ourselves and take that positive energy out into the world.
Because the world needs less self-loathing...and a lot more love.
