In the words of R.E.M, it’s the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine). At least it is about to become the end of the world as I know it. And I do feel fine. In two days I’ll board an airplane bound for Michigan. Time to make Mommie Dearest’s move to Colorado a reality.
I am thankful that I’ve had the past month to prepare for this life change. A lot of friends have come forward to offer their support, love and helpful advice. Many have moved elderly family members near them already and have supplied words of wisdom for me as I embark on this adventure. Their input has been invaluable. Several people have suggested books that have helped them deal with challenging people. I’ve devoured the pages and found much to learn from them. Many have spoken truthful words into my life by saying that regardless of my mother’s needs, I must complete my dissertation. Those words have been infused into my spirit and I know without a doubt that I’ll finish my dissertation and earn my PhD.
I think I’m ready. Or, at least as ready as I’ll ever be!
Part of my plan is to spend a few nights at my mom’s new apartment with her as she acclimates. And another part of my plan is to attend some activities with her to help her feel comfortable in her new surroundings and as she makes friends. I figure a little bingo and walker line dancing will be good for me. I may have to borrow a walker though. Given my dancing skills…that really seems only appropriate!
My sister and I discussed some of these strategies on the phone the other day and we chuckled at our memories of childhood moves. We moved frequently and for little reason. My father wasn’t in the military. Nor was upward mobility really part of the program. My parents typically got a whim to move and, wham…it was time to move. I don’t recall ever being asked how I felt about it. I don’t recall anyone taking the time to help me acclimate. We just packed up, moved, unpacked and were expected to resume life without skipping a beat. Any suffering was done in silence. We didn’t want to get on my mother’s nerves!
As we talked about the difference in how we perceived moving when we were young with how I plan to deal with my mother it occurred to me that to treat her the way I remember being treated would be unfair. Unfair to her, certainly. She is elderly and needs help and compassion. But it would be unfair to me as well. The years I have lived away from my family have allowed me to know myself and know my true nature. And while it would be ridiculous to say that I’m not, at times, selfish or mean spirited, by and large I try to live my life in a way that cares for and honors both myself and others. I’m far from perfect at it but I know that serving my mother in this way will help hone my skills. It will be a tricky balancing act to keep her manipulation at bay while lovingly attending to her needs. It will take nerves of steel to guard against her ability to control almost any situation by creating chaos and confusion. It will take tremendous resolve to not let her critical spirit hurt or annoy me. I won’t always do it right. Not even close.
But, I’m entering into a phase of life I feel I’ve been called into. This is something I’m being asked to do and I believe I have a responsibility to both her and to myself to do it with grace. I won’t know what that looks like until I’m in the midst of it. And I may not always recognize my mistakes until long after the fact. I am most thankful, though, that I won’t be doing it alone. My husband and children seem ready to take this on with me. My friends have offered to step in and walk this path with me. And really…how difficult can dealing with one little old lady be?
I guess I’m about to find out…..
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