I Love My Life

I’ve had an interesting encounter with stress recently. Actually I’ve had an encounter with peace. But my encounter with peace led me understand the degree to which I had been living with stress and the contrast between the two was far more powerful than I’d ever realized.

Let me back up a little.

For several years I stayed home with my children. I educated them at home until my oldest started high school and for those years I lived a relatively low stress life. I know there are those who think raising children is extremely difficult. Those people would be right! But I always felt that I was working with people whom I adored and, sure, we had rough days but in the end spending my time with them is what I most wanted to do.

When my children started attending public school, I decided to pursue the doctorate I had put on hold while they were growing up. Full-time school and part-time work led to full-time work and part-time school. I finished my coursework and started working on my dissertation. Along the way I added an adjunct teaching job to the full-time job, dissertation and family. I was pretty sure I could handle it all. Afterall, like many growing up in the 60’s and 70s, I survived crazy, dysfunctional, addicted parents. Juggling several large jobs should be easy in comparison!

Like the few extra pounds that gradually accumulate, my busy schedule didn’t happen overnight. I took on a little here and adjusted; a little there and adjusted. I didn’t feel the pressure building. Rather, I didn’t think I felt the pressure building. In hindsight, I realize some of the things I love and enjoy most in life ceased to be nearly as fun. The constant voice in my conscience was reminding me of all the things I wasn’t getting accomplished. There was never enough time.

A series of events led to my feeling that something needed to change. I wasn’t sure how to articulate my desires. I’m not even sure I knew what I needed to do. But when Steve rather apologetically approached me one evening with the suggestion that I resign from my jobs and just focus my time on helping our daughter adjust to high school and writing my dissertation I immediately burst into tears. Clearly he had touched a nerve. In the true spirit of a soulmate, he spoke my heart.

We set a plan in motion and before long I was leaving my professional position and my teaching role. I loved and was good at both of them but I knew that I was stepping into greater freedom. It didn’t happen all at once though. It took weeks for me to stop the feelings of being under pressure. It took even longer for me to stop feeling I was too idle.

Yesterday I awoke to a quiet house and the smell of coffee brewing. Before getting out of bed I took a little time to inventory my life and my first thought was….I love my life. I set goals for how much of my dissertation to write each day. Some days go better than others but as I make steady progress I know I’ll finish in due time. I’m often surprised, but not dismayed, by how much all of my children still need me as they grow up and emerge into adulthood. Could I have been as available to them if I hadn’t made a dramatic change? Of course not!

I don’t have a salary. I don’t have a title. I’m good with that. What I have is time. Time to live and love and enjoy. Time to complete my dream of earning a doctorate but most importantly, time to be present for and with the people who are my life. Time without stress. Time with peace.

I love my life.