Dodging Kisses

I’m pretty sure I suffer from duplicitous kissing desires. Not that this is a medical term or anything. And, even though the word kissing is sandwiched in there, it doesn’t have anything to do with communicable diseases, although it could. It is actually about greetings.

The problem is, I didn’t grow up in a family that showed affection. Hugging and kissing weren’t really part of the daily repertoire. In fact, I can’t recall anyone ever hugging or kissing. I think I’ve managed, in adulthood, to develop a nice comfort level with platonic affection but I’ve never grown comfortable with giving cheek kisses as a greeting. I’m fine with receiving cheek kisses. In fact, I really love it when my friends kiss me on the cheek. It is a very warm and caring way to express affection and it sort of adds a bit of European flair to my day. I appreciate the breezy, nonchalant, flow of those who are proficient at pecking. But, if I try to offer a kiss of greeting, it just gets weird.

My friend, Debbie, and I have discussed our cheek kissing challenges. Really. We’ve actually talked about this. She, too, appreciates the gesture but finds it hard to reciprocate. So, we decided to practice on one another. Only, it loses some of its spontaneity when one of us announces, loudly, “Okay, I’m going to kiss you now.” The last time I was the kisser it was so outrageously stiff and unnatural that we both dissolved into laughter and Anna, as observer, shook her head and announced that she had just witnessed the most awkward thing ever.

I have a long way to go.

Friendly cheek kissing is part one of the duplicitous kissing desire. But then there is part two. The lip kissers.

I don’t have a lot of lip kiss greeting friends and acquaintances. Just a few. All men. And I’ve mastered the art of lip kiss dodging. When I see those puckered lips headed my way, I turn my head so that their lips land on my cheek. I’m pretty successful at it and have managed to avoid more than one unwanted smooch that, for me, just crosses the line from warm and friendly hello to, ‘hey buddy, back off.’ Those who know me well find the dodging dance rather amusing to watch, but they can laugh all they want. They aren’t the ones about to get a big wet one planted on their lips!

My biggest challenge to date an elderly man who lives in my mother’s retirement community. His name is Phil. Phil is a kisser. He is delightful to visit with, if maybe just a tiny bit unsightly. His mind is very sharp and his wit is terribly quick. He is blind for the most part so hair combing doesn’t seem to be a part of his daily routine. Or nail clipping. And then there is the slightly disconcerting sight of a good portion of his meals dribbled down his clothes. I know Phil can’t help those things and I enjoy seeing him from time to time. Because his eyesight is failing, if I get very close he recognizes both my voice and my face. He always seems to find genuine joy at seeing me. Or, sort of seeing me. One day, after not visiting with him for quite a while, I saw him in the hallway. If I hadn’t said anything he wouldn’t have known I was there but, I wanted to say hello and see how he was doing. When I got close enough he said, “Sue? Is that you?” I said it was and then, he loudly exclaimed, “Well Goddamn!” Which I guess meant he was happy.

For an old guy with a walker and a portable oxygen tank whose hands tremor constantly, Phil is deceivingly strong. Revivified by our greeting, he grabbed me in a bear hug and nearly squeezed the air out of me. And then commenced the dodging dance.

It is terribly awkward. But, honestly, I can’t be sure when those teeth last had an encounter with a toothbrush and frankly, the idea of it is just too upsetting. I try to be kind. But I’m not that kind.

I have, on occasion, asked myself what it would hurt. I mean, how bad can it be to receive a little hello kiss from Phil. I quickly answer. Bad. Really, really bad.

And then I remind myself that it is good to have boundaries and keep them. It is appropriate to know my own comfort level and honor it. Whether the concern is an informal greeting, how I allow others to treat me, how much others can impose their beliefs and values on me, or to what degree I let people make their problems mine. There is a point at which I have to say no thank you, set a boundary, and be at peace with it.

So…sorry Phil. Unpucker those lips.