But then...plans change.
I've never killed an animal before. I have made the decision to have a few cats euthanized but it is always one I make soberly and I never let them cross over alone. Several of my family members think I'm slightly insane when I ask that they take insects outdoors to freedom rather than smash them indoors. I've been known to try to convince a couple of mice to leave on their own before we resort to setting traps. I'm basically a pacifist. And a weirdo.
I was met with a challenge this morning, however, when Sadie was going berserk over an incapacitated squirrel under our backyard deck. I don't know what was wrong with the squirrel. It isn't impossible that Sadie injured it but I don't think she did. Regardless, the little squirrel was under our deck and Sadie was trying everything she could think of to reach it. I could hear the squirrel crying and chirping in obvious pain. After some consideration I decided that I had to do the merciful thing and kill it.
Problem #1. I have no idea how to kill something.
Steve had mentioned that over the coming weekend he was going to take apart a step leading out from the deck to the yard. It is actually a low platform made up of several boards. Initially the plaintive cries from the injured squirrel were coming from under the platform step so I decided to start the reconstruction project a little early by removing boards in order to reach it. Lacking a hammer or drill or any other real construction tools I used an old shovel to pry up the boards. This took considerable time. Time I used to develop a plan for what I was going to do once I had access to the critter.
Having never killed anything before I started going over possible ways to put this little creature out of its misery. Whack it with the shovel? Nah. That wouldn't work. I know myself. I'd never hit it hard enough. All I would accomplish would be hurting it more. I remembered a story my brother told about his wife shooting a snake with a shotgun. She killed it and it makes for a rather funny story, but no. Shooting the squirrel wasn't an option.
I finally decided that after removing enough boards to get close to the squirrel I would scoop it up into the shovel and take it to the pond where I would drop it in and let it drown. Not the most humane way in the world but better than causing it further injury or letting it suffer. Once it was dead I planned to fish it out with the trusty shovel, put it in a garbage bag, and place it in the trash can awaiting removal by the curb. I was feeling pretty confident about the whole thing until I got the boards removed and saw the suffering rodent. My heart pounding, I was determined to do right by him as I attempted to scoop him into the shovel. Apparently he didn't like my plan. He dragged himself far enough away that I couldn't reach him.
Problem #2. I have no idea how to kill something.
With the squirrel now further under the deck I had the option of letting him continue to suffer, cry, wheeze, and eventually die or, I could find another way to get him out. I figured water would do the trick so I turned the hose on and let it drip down between decking boards. This did absolutely nothing except make the squirrel cry louder and make the suffering little rodent a muddy, suffering little rodent. At one point I actually heard my self say out loud, "Oh come on little squirrel. I don't want to hurt you...I just want to kill you."
There was nothing left to do but take apart the deck. Continuing to use my old rusty shovel, I started prying at the deck boards. I got a board up in one piece but broke a couple of other ones in my lust for blood. Except I was trying to avoid blood.
I pulled up enough boards to see the little squirrel and again planned to scoop him into the shovel and drop him in the pond. What I hadn't planned on was the little squirrel's determination not to go for a final swim. Mr. Squirrel (or Mrs., I couldn't tell) wanted nothing to do with my plan. He managed to drag his little body to a foundational deck post that made a small three-sided box and wedge his bedraggled, muddy, mangled little body snugly between two boards.
Damn.
Problem #3. I have no idea how to kill something.
With the squirrel now wedged tightly between two boards I had to come up with a new plan. I wasn't sure the squirrel was even able to unwedge itself and I tried to use a little garden spade to dislodge it. I couldn't. It cried. Once again, I was afraid of hurting the squirrel before killing it. He was already hurt enough I couldn't see hurting him more. Now that he was wedged between boards I didn't know how to kill him. I considered stabbing him. But with what? A kitchen knife? Um. No. Besides, I knew I'd never be able to go through with it. A bloody murder scene was out of the question. Poison? Dang, fresh out of poison.
I knew if I let Sadie into the backyard she would make quick work of the problem. But I couldn't stand the thought of her killing something and I wasn't entirely sure why the poor squirrel was dying. What if it was sick? I also couldn't shake the haunting thought that if I let her kill it she might not remember that the cats were cats. I didn't want to take the chance she'd enjoy it so much she'd want to do it again. No. I couldn't let Sadie get him.
I decided the best thing to do was to try and pull him out of his hiding place so I mustered up my courage, donned some leather work gloves and with my heart pounding even harder this time, reached down under the deck and grabbed his tail. He let out a loud scream. I let out an even louder scream. He hunkered into his wedge. I fell backwards onto the deck.
Alrightlythen. Pulling him out by the tail wasn't an option either.
And then I heard the garbage truck.
Damn.
Problem #4. I have no idea how to kill something.
Having exhausted all of my brilliant ideas for humanely taking care of my squirrel friend. I decided to go inside and work for a while. In my office I couldn't see him nor could I hear his sad little cries. Surely he would die soon. I gave him an hour. I tried not to think about him as I worked but at the one-hour mark I went to check on him. He was still and quiet and peaceful. I spoke kindly to him and told him I was sorry things hadn't quite gone as planned. I was pretty sure he was dead and I would be able to remove him from his hiding spot. Just to be sure though, I gently poked him with a stick.
He let out a loud scream.
I let out an even louder scream.
Damn.
This wasn't going well.
I'd like to say my plan worked and I was able to usher the little squirrel into rodent paradise. But I can't. As of right now he is still alive and I have no idea how to kill him. As much as I wanted to play the benevolent grim reaper all I really managed to do was damage the deck and talk to a squirrel.
When I got up this morning my agenda didn't include killing a squirrel.
I guess I stuck to my plan afterall.
UPDATE: Following publication of this post Steve came home and humanely took care of the little squirrel.
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